i needed a place to write. in the time i’ve been away from writing, i could have conceived and given birth to a seven pound, three ounce baby girl with curly blonde hair . i didn’t, but i could have. instead, i found a new job, moved out of my apartment, bought a house, and got married. not that any of that is what i’m going to talk about here. now.
i’m getting nervous. i haven’t done this in awhile, so i’ve forgotten what to write. should i have an introduction? or can i just cut to the chase?
my husband just turned 30. jon turning 30 doesn’t scare me. to be honest, 30 has never scared me because turning 30 will mean i’m finally getting to celebrate my golden birthday. and i love birthdays, so having the big 3-0 on the big 3-0 is big. but i DO think about more than the celebration. in fact, i think very little about that actual day, and more about the 3 years leading up to that time.
if these are my last three years on earth, what am i going to do with them? the thought alone offers me an opportunity to consider the weight of responsibility on these next years. sometimes, it causes me to cry. actually, most of the time it causes me to cry: the tears may carry different meanings, but i cry none the less.
if i have three years to live, i want to give everything i have to fully living.
the poet and priest Gerard Manley Hopkins writes:
I say more: the just man justices;
Keeps grace: that keeps all his goings graces;
Acts in God’s eye what in God’s eye he is -
Christ. For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men’s faces.
so play i will. it’s my idea #21. over the rhine sings that idea 21 is the answer to “how long ….?”:
Too late
I know it’s not too late
To wrestle with this angel
Higher and higher
Don’t let go
Higher and higher
Before we know
How does it end
How does it end
We’re all riding on the last train
Trying to find our way home again
my idea #21 is play, the answer to the question, “what will i do with these next three years?” i’ll play, Lord. i’ll play to mark this life when it is “lived beyond necessity, beyond mere survival.” I’ll play through “words and sounds and actions that are ‘played’ for another, intentional and meaningful renderings of beauty or truth or goodness.” i’ll play, God. it’s not too late.
