acting.

in elementary school, my teachers noted that i had good stage presence. i agreed. i was comfortable in front of an audience and considered myself a promising actress. in third grade, i had the role of the magic lamp in the aptly titled musical, “the magic lamp.” but while i had the biggest role, i was also off-stage the entire time speaking into a microphone while the other actors picked “me” up and talked to “me.” still, behind the curtain there, i was fully engaged, going about as though i were “on” and everyone could see me. all of me was present. i remember that. i remember my eyes widening with surprise and gesturing with my arms when i wanted to get across a point; i guarantee i wasn’t just any ordinary lamp.

when i’m engaged, i’m fully engaged. i’m into it, heart, soul & mind.

and that’s why i wouldn’t make a good actress. i’d have a hard time concealing my true self underneath the character i’d be taking on. my character wouldn’t be believable unless i felt the same way she did completely. and if i couldn’t do that, people would see right through me.

sometimes i forget that my emotions are so evident. when i’m feeling something i don’t want or know how to share, i start acting, concealing, pretending. it’s such a joke. my friends, my co-workers, they all see right through it.

it happened today at work. an afternoon meeting went horribly awry. and as the tension in the room increased, i grew timid and afraid to speak up. when i gained the courage to speak, i had to hold back tears.

yes, i got teary-eyed. and i felt anxious. and sad. and hurt. but i didn’t cry, so i figured i had concealed it well.

until 4 of the 6 people from the meeting came in later to check in on me. clearly, i’m a poor actress. i couldn’t fool a fly.

i feel embarrassed by this quality, and yet, i feel simultaneously grateful for this quality. because it’s the thing today that brought my friend paul into the room to check in on me. and i cried a lot with him. explained how i felt attacked, and hurt, and unsure of myself and my ideas. and he apologized. and i apologized. and we talked through it and past it. and then he cried. and shared what had been going on in his head.

my husband said later when i explained our interaction that i can make anyone cry.

it’s never my intention, you know. i just think i wear my heart on my sleeve and can’t cover it well. i can’t pretend. so it’s not easy for other people to pretend. my poor acting skills, when God uses them, make room for vulnerability and honesty. sometimes that leads to healing, sometimes it leads to hurt. sometimes it leads to confusion, and sometimes it leads to clarity.

today, it led to healing. and a little clarity. it helped me to see paul differently, it bent my heart towards him.

my prayer now is for protection as we build up each other and care for one another as peers and friends. our interaction makes me want to live out the philippians verse i love so much:
do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

i want to live it out not only because it’s commanded, but because i want to do it. i felt reminded of how much God loves Paul, of how God is using Paul. I have the opportunity to partner with God by serving Paul, by encouraging him, by respecting his creative gifts and engaging his passion for the arts.

i admit i’m not quick learner. but God is good enough to use a bad meeting to demonstrate how much he loves his church.

i think God tries to act sometimes, to come into our lives discreetly, like we might not even see him. but it’s not in his nature to disguise his own presence or to stay behind the curtain. i think sometimes he tries to whisper lines to people on the stage, to help them move towards the plot, towards resolution. but sometimes he just has to get involved in bigger ways.

today, i think he came in through a bad meeting, disguised himself in the tension, and then whispered that we just ought to be honest. and when we got there, he revealed himself through tears and forgiving words.

i love that about him. i love that he’s not just sitting in the audience watching us, or cursing when we forget our lines or telling us to get off the stage because we’re not doing it right. i like that he gets involved because he cares about the story – and not only because the story itself is so good but because he likes the characters so much.

yeah, i love that about him.