since honduras

… life has been a whirlwind. i can’t believe it’s august already. since getting back from perhaps the two most obviously significant weeks of my year, jon’s run a half marathon in the middle-of-nowhere, wisconsin, we got together with our small group after what seems like months, we traveled to chicago to see old friends and celebrate abby’s wedding. then we celebrated my birthday (my husband regularly likes to out-do himself and i am the happy recipient of his thoughtful & creative planning & gifts), welcomed back a good friend from south africa, prepared for jon’s sermon this past week, and hung out a bit with my family while my parents were in town.

but to the real topic at hand … i want challenge. i’ve been thinking about it, wrestling with the idea in my head in the middle of every conversation i’ve had recently. jon’s sermon on community yesterday had me thinking about it a lot – how intentional am i with my friends? how vulnerable am i with them? and how often do i seek out people who want to pursue god how i want to?

i LONG for a roundtable, i long for a community of people who get together to read the paper, pray over the issues of the world, and challenge each other to live lives of dignity, humility, and, well, people who want to live within the tension of being in the world but not of it.

i just don’t know how to pursue that. i don’t know how to get where i want to go, and i don’t know who will go with me. i told jon i just wanted to learn to pattern my life after someone, i want to be around someone who challenges me in little things and in big things. i’m hungry for that. i want to learn from someone who’s a world-changer. i love my friend laura for changing career paths and going back to school to study law. i love the bravery in that. i want that. but i’m not sure which of 85 different things i like i want to dive into that deeply. for crying out loud, i can’t even commit myself to getting dreads when i’m sure that’s how God intended my hair to sit atop my head.

but as i talked it out with jon, it was quite clear that what i really want is jesus. okay, not like in the “i want more of you, jesus” sing-songy kind of way, but in the, where are you NOW, jesus, can i actually follow you in real live person form, kind of way. if i had jesus to sit down next to here today at this fair trade coffee house (which, incidently, doesn’t serve fair trade coffee unless you request it), i would ask him a hundred things. or maybe i would just listen to him and better plan my life around him.

and so that’s why i’ve started reading luke. pretty much because i just need to hear jesus’ words. i’m praying that as i read them they become life-changing, life-giving to me. i’m especially ready for his words since the phrase “man does not live on bread alone but on every that comes from the mouth of God” has been rattling around in my head for the past week or so. so i’m open to change, God. i’m open to You bringing people into my life who want to move towards you to.

in jon’s words, i’m ready to receive help and help others to love god and love others more and more, praying that God uses us to change the world.

i’m ready.