There’s this little baby inside of me, kicking at my ribs and tickling the inside of my stomach. He’s nearly 34 weeks old in utero and weighs about 4.5 pounds.
I listen to other pregnant women talk about how bonded they are to their babies, watch their eyes light up with excitement about the nursery and the little baby outfits.
I don’t feel this way.
But I do love this little boy in a way I don’t fully comprehend yet.
Sure, he brings water weight to my calves, tightness to my chest, aches to my back and shoulders. But he’s a little life, a life I didn’t create, but had the privilege of helping bring to earth.
God made a life in me. A life.
More than turning 30, expecting a baby has reframed my thoughts on life. I’m bringing a life into the world that I hope will outlive me. How’s that for perspective?
So instead of choosing to give up everything, to throw in the towel and just wait for my time to be done, I have the opportunity to live more intently than I did in my 20s. I don’t, however, think this means that I have to demand significance. In fact, this may just be the kick in the butt I need to choose obedience.
My 20s were a [necessary] period of time when I wrestled with huge questions about my purpose, my identity, God’s goodness, my future, all of that. But what fruit has been produced from my constant longing for significance? I think God cares more about my obedience. And maybe it’s an old lady thing to say, but I think small acts of obedience might bring more freedom and beauty and goodness to the world than anything “significant” I could offer.
On my 30th birthday, I asked God to help me claim a few verses for this next decade of my life. Here’s what I’ve landed on:
Romans 8: 14-17: “God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike ‘What’s next, Papa?‘ God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.”
1 John 3:18-20: “My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.“
Freedom in obedience. Yes! Following God because he is the ultimate life-giver. Yes!
I long to be obedient, long for my son to pursue God, long for real life to be found in our family, our church, our community. I love this abundant life You promised, Papa. Help me follow You closely.
